My Voice
If feels really vulnerable to write this section.
My entire life, my voice has been a journey of its own.
THE UNCONSCIOUS MIND'S JOB IS TO PROTECT US
Truth. The body is constantly working to protect us and keep us safe from danger.
I was in danger alright, so what did my body do? Created nearly constant sickness.
Ear nose throat problems. Severe allergies to nature. Ear infection after ear infection. So much inflammation I couldn’t hear.
This led to me not being able to hear or speak until age 3.
When I did learn to speak, I had a hard time asking for anything I needed: a glass of water, to use the bathroom, anything.
I was scared to speak up for myself.
And the one time I did: “I’m not safe there. Please don’t make me go back.”
The one time using my voice mattered the most, I was not heard.
I was made wrong and yelled at. Pure fury and rage projected at me, a 4-year old.
My safety was ignored.
That shut me down even more.
And the abuse continued.
GROWING UP SQUEAKY
My voice was high pitched and squeaky. I was made fun of constantly.
I hated my voice. I remember hearing myself on an answering machine (old school voicemail - actually recorded onto a cassette tape). It was like Alvin & the Chipmunks.
After that I avoided being recorded. I hated leaving messages on answering machines. I’d hide from my Grandfather when he had the video recorder.
In high school, I loved theatre and musical theatre, yet I was petrified to sing a lead role.
I was told endlessly how annoying my voice was.
In my 20s when voicemail for mobile devices became more standard, I had other people record the personal message asking people to leave a message.
Also in my 20s I started intentionally playing with my voice to lower the pitch. I worked on this for years, finally getting to the point I’d write a script and record my voicemail box message over and over and over until I could tolerate hearing my own voice…
THE ENERGIES OF MY VOICE
But then there were the energies of my voice: defensiveness and guardedness.
These energies were embedded into nearly all of my communication.
When defensiveness and guardedness are one’s natural state of being, how does one become aware of and change it?!
(I’m not even sure if I fully realized the magnitude of these energies inside of me. During my 30s I had an awareness of the energy inside of me changing, especially as my commitment to psychedelics for evolution and healing deepened…as well as my Self-love. It’s only on the other side of these energies - and hearing it in others, now - that I really understand what was going on inside of me.)
As the healing unfolded inside of me, triggers about my safety were cropping up everywhere (inside of me).
I was scared for my physical safety…though I was in the safest place I’d ever been in my life: on 45-acres, on top of a hill, in a very safe community in wine country north of San Francisco.
I was so safe, yet I did not feel safe.
I needed to take action to protect myself physically.
So I found a woman who teaches personal self-defense to women and she came to my home for a one-on-one in October 2019.
We talked about the abuse, about how I navigated my physical boundaries with my body and sexuality (which surprisingly I’d done a decent job of as a teenager and adult).
She led me through a variety of self-defense moves.
I don’t remember a lot of the session, what we talked about or did specifically. I do remember a lot of trembling, shaking, feeling unsteady.
And I remember one exercise where I had to use my voice.
The instructions were simple:
1. Make myself big, arms up in front of me
2. Shout NO
The first time I could barely say the word NO and I burst into tears. And it continued, rounds of making myself big, shouting NO, crying, shaking, again.
Big. NO. Cry. Shake.
Again.
Big. NO. Cry. Shake.
Again.
NO!
Again.
NO! NO! NO!
It was the first time I ever FELT my NO, at my core, as my truth.
It was the first time I ever felt EMPOWERED in my NO, instead of defensive and guarded.
And that was all it took. One session and something inside me clicked. I’d found my empowered NO and with it I was truly discovering my voice.
THE VOICE WITCH
With psychedelics in groups (Ayahuasca) came sound and music - singing - with others.
And in the singing (with psychedelics) is where I found my authentic voice. The voice inside of me that is beautiful, free, and safe.
The more I sang, the more I wanted to sing and that led me to working with an incredible woman I lovingly refer to as my Voice Witch.
We started working together in July 2020.
The night before our first session, I had a very vivid dream in which I was pulling overflowing handfuls of bright green phlegm out of my throat. It was sticky and stringy like taffy. And it wouldn’t end.
I shared the dream with her and we both knew something big was coming…
In our first session, Little Dena did not want to sing or use her voice.
We tapped into something bigger than what I thought I’d signed up for.
Three sessions later and I came to the realization it was time for a journey for Little Dena to let go of the sexual abuse trauma [that part of the story is in the PSYCHEDELICS page].
Let go of the trauma she did! Little Dena was courageous, let it go, found the Frequency of Safety, and life changed…
I kept working with the Voice Witch. Our 3-month container ended up spanning 18-months. Patience and trust from both of us that this was all exactly perfect for me.
We let go of working on scales and specific songs to just work with what was going on for me and using song instead of talking.
Voice Witch, usually in her little girl voice to Little Dena, would sing me questions or prompts. I’d get my body involved to unstick myself, shaking my rattle and singing.
It became a sort of improv musical theatre, mostly a one-woman show.
And as the integration happened and the healing continued, more miracles occurred.
MORE MIRACLES
During yet another psychedelic journey, this time with ketamine, Little Dena became dissociated from the trauma.
This is a significant distinction. Most of my life I spent dissociated from my BODY because it wasn’t safe to be in my body.
Now, I was so safe in my body, it was time to get the trauma OUT of me and my body.
This was unexpected and profound.
To be clear, the big journey where Little Dena let go of the trauma and found the Frequency of Safety - that journey neutralized all of the emotions, allowing me to sit with the memories and not feel any charge. Yet the memories were still there.
Now, the memories are barely even accessible - the neural network highways completely blown up, barely a ghost of their old existence.
And the little ghosts feel like they are outside of me. Like a witness is watching someone who is watching someone who is watching someone else watch Dena being abused.
Triple dissociation from the trauma. A witness. Little Dena and Current Dena no longer in the memories as if now.
FREE.
I found true and complete freedom from the trauma.
Not only was I safe inside of me, I am now also FREE inside of my body and mind.
THIS is a different world. FREEDOM from trauma - true, to the core of me, freedom.
Ineffable.
And as the freedom wrapped me up and made sense to me (coming out of the ketamine), another miracle:
My voice changed dramatically - low, soft, grounded, powerful.
Everyone in the room noticed, including a somatic practitioner who told me that changes in our voices - constrictions, higher pitch, tension - is often associated with big trauma.
With the trauma completely gone from within me, the constriction and tension in my voice were gone, too.
OWNING MY POWER: MY VOICE
None of this is easy to write out. I keep hitting internal blocks, feeling stuck inside myself. Tears well in my eyes as I recall how painful this aspect of who I am was.
And I remind myself I am on the other side.
My voice has changed completely.
I look at all of the courses I’ve created filled with audio files and videos of me speaking and being recorded!
I can listen to myself, hear myself, even lean into myself.
I’ve learned my power is my voice. It is not just WHAT I say, it is HOW I say it.
And my voice creates everything in my reality.
E V E R Y T H I N G
I know my power to create my reality, to speak powerful spells, and how to NOT speak sh*tty spells.
I have become masterful at utilizing my voice to help create change in myself and others, to allow people to hear me and see me, to experience me the way I desire to be experienced.
The meaning of communication is the response you get.
I have learned this on so many levels, fine tuning the instrument I AM - to be heard, to be seen, to be received.
Now that I have mastered this within me, my message is becoming louder, more refined, even more powerful.
And I teach the intricacies of the power of our voice and communication to others, so they may cast powerful spells and create even more ecstatic lives.
I, and the Ecstatic Collective team, are here to serve you in your life, along your unique journey.
We invite you now to explore our Offerings.
